My Mother in Law's Lover Read online

  ‘No you can’t. I’m sleeping.’

  ‘See you’re awake!’ she laughs.

  I still can’t get what Josh said out of my head. After all this time, he thinks he loves me? I reckon he’s having a delayed nervous breakdown. He’s also a commitment phobic and this could be a sign, even though he’s married, he wants to seek solace somewhere else. Josh has got to be barking if he thinks I’m going to play along with him.

  It’s bad enough most people pity the old widow but this is taking it to a whole new level. He knows I believe in one partner at a time, never cheating and, in a way, they’ll be true to you.

  A few hours later, after having breakfast in our room and watching copious amounts of children’s television, both Beth and I are washed, changed, packed and ready to go.

  We’re all going to meet for lunch but I’m not in the mood. Josh has probably sobered up now and will no doubt look at me full of regret and remorse. Bet the witch Joan is there. That’s all I need, her scowling at me while I eat.

  The phone rings and it pisses me off. Yes, I must be slightly hung over, I’m irritable and I haven’t even met the outside world yet. Beth is playing with her dolls on the bed and I answer the phone.

  ‘Hello?’ It’s Joan

  ‘Hi there.’

  ‘Are you coming downstairs?’

  ‘We’re on our way.’

  ‘Well hurry up, we have to be ready to greet the bride and groom,’ she barks.

  ‘For Christ’s sake, we’re coming!’ I say. I mouth to Beth ‘its moanie Joanie’ and she rolls her eyes as if she knew anyway. I hang up.

  ‘Let’s go now Bella, Bella.’ Beth calls me that when she thinks she’s being cute. I think Josh told her it meant beautiful. It’s her way of making me do things at top speed. See, my child knows how easily her mother’s head is swayed by empty compliments.

  ‘You carry your little bag and I’ll follow you out.’ Beth is rushing around. ‘Wait by the door,’ I say, knowing if I open it she’ll be down the stairs in no time.

  I make sure we haven’t forgotten anything and take the empty bottle of champagne, in a plastic bag of course, to dispose of somewhere else (you can never tell if these hotels are going to take advantage of a situation and charge you for Sainsbury’s finest).

  It’s now eleven thirty and Beth has lovingly deserted me while I settle the bill leaving the bags in the cloakroom. It’s a warm, sunny day and I’ve put on my factor thirty on my face to prevent all sun damage. The problem is the stuff makes me glow or break out into a sweat, depending on how you view it. It’s a cheap brand.

  There are about twenty five people around for lunch, close friends and family. I can see the witch from here. Joan has got her hand on Robert’s thigh. I wonder if she did the dirty with him last night? Lucky cow!

  ‘Hello Belle! I see you approve of your child running wild with no supervision,’ she snarls.

  ‘She just ran off,’ I reply looking at Beth kissing all these strangers.

  ‘Well at least look like you can control your child, for goodness sake!’ she sighs.

  Oh, sweet Joan, why don’t they burn all people with that name at the stake? I fancy a barbecue today.

  I find a seat furthest away from her and watch Beth play with the other kids. She’s flirting with that boy from yesterday.

  I hear some clapping and it’s the newlyweds walking out to the garden. Meg’s looking radiant and so does that little shit, Josh. I think it’s best not to make eye contact.

  A few smiles and nudges later, we’re sitting al fresco. I’ve seated myself so I can’t see the groom, who is at the top of the table. I’m in the middle, next to some people I don’t know.

  Do I have to make conversation?

  ‘You’re the widow of Josh’s best friend?’ a red haired girl gently asks. This is quite daunting to know I’m now truly associated with the ‘widow’ tag.

  ‘My name is Belle.’ I don’t know what to say after that introduction. ‘And yes, I’m the merry widow.’ I then burst out into my false, strained laugh that makes me sound like a witch on acid.

  I didn’t get a lot of sleep.

  I shouldn’t have done that because the redness of her face doesn’t compliment her hair colour.

  ‘I didn’t mean to. . .’ she adds apologetically.

  ‘No. Don’t worry I’m used to it.’

  That’s a pile of shit, I’m no more used to it now than I am being used to the sign of fine lines and wrinkles (which I haven’t got a lot of, may I stress, thanks to my copious purchases of a very popular brand of age prevention cream).

  ‘Let’s move round a bit,’ I can hear Josh say from the other end. ‘We had all the formalities yesterday.’ I take it I might be relegated to the kid’s table. Beth is looking lovingly at the boy, who in turn, is eyeing one of Meg’s bridesmaids. She must be twenty-three. Unrequited love! Something both mother and daughter know about.

  Everyone stands up and I find myself further down the end of the table, sitting two places away from Joan and opposite Josh.

  Christ this isn’t fun!

  I’m drinking a Bloody Mary and waiting for a snide comment from Joan.

  Nothing.

  I look at her and she’s looking at me, clicking something over. Her eyes narrow and she turns to her young stud muffin who looks a little gormless today. He must be in shock from having sex with her.

  Now, all I have to do is get through lunch and not look at Josh. If I blush or get hot with this gel on, I’m going to sweat buckets.

  ‘You look nice Belle.’ What? Who said that? Josh said it! In all the years I’ve known Josh, he has never given me a compliment. This marriage thing has affected his grey matter. He’s positively beaming at me. I’m not smiling back. The look of confusion is evident on my face.

  ‘Josh, don’t waste your time on Belle, she’s too busy living in la la land to recognise a compliment,’ says Joan waving her hand dismissively at me. ‘May I say how positively handsome you look today.’ Joan’s being flirtatious. Well, at least she’s acting normally.

  ‘Love does that to you,’ is Josh’s response, while staring at me.

  He’s freaking me out.

  I’m going to ask Meena, my best friend, when I get home about the psychological reasoning behind Josh’s actions. She studied child psychology but I’m sure this is juvenile behaviour of some sort.

  ‘You never know, the next wedding may be my daughter in laws but then again, that’ll be a miracle,’ Joan says and laughs out loudly.

  ‘What do you mean?’ I say smiling, making sure I don’t bite the bait that’s being dangled in front of me.

  ‘Three years the grieving widow, come come, you need to widen your horizons. You know there are dating agencies you can go to,’ she says smiling and sipping her drink.

  ‘I don’t want to go to a dating agency,’ I quietly reply and see a few of the people on the table pretending to ignore what she’s saying and listening intently.

  ‘It will be money well spent,’ she continues, baring teeth. ‘And if you don’t find someone they give you your money back or another six months. It’s a great offer.’

  ‘Bug off,’ I say, feeling humiliated she has to point out the lack of male suitors. To be honest, no male interest what so ever. There was this fat Czech girl who kept asking me out but that’s a completely different story which meant me getting the police involved.

  I’m not going to get annoyed with Joan’s bitchy comments, like I said you do get used to it. And she knows I’ve got a fat chance in hell of pulling anyone.

  Look, compared to Joan, I’m nearly a virgin. She has lovers from the sound of it all over the place. I’ve heard there’s one in particular, the secret one, who still rebukes her plans of marriage. He can’t be as stupid as he seems other than his rank taste in women.

  ‘Belle will find the right person when she’s ready.’ Hold on a minute, is that Josh again?

  ‘Josh, marriage suits you! You now see everything t
hrough rose tinted specs,’ responds Joan. There are a few ahs and titters. I’m speechless.

  I look at her and she has her cat’s arse expression on her face, you know, mouth squeezed tight, like a kitty’s bum. Joan is obviously not happy someone is sticking up for me instead of sticking the knife in.

  My sort of mother in law is trying to use me as a brunt of her jokes implying I need to pay a company to fix me up for any chance of me getting laid. And Josh has been taking hallucinatory drugs. I’m beginning to feel nauseous.

  The chance of me falling in love with anyone, other than Josh, is slim. The opportunity of getting some carnal knowledge? Friggin’ impossible!

  I have to go to the toilet.

  The starters haven’t arrived so I’ve got enough time to take a pee. If I was by myself I would’ve got into a taxi and headed straight to the station without saying goodbye but that’s a shitty thing to do when your daughter is having fun.

  Ah relief! Sometimes having a good pee makes you so relaxed. I wish I could stay in here until three. I check my reflection in the mirror.

  Ick!

  I slightly powder my nose and add a smear of lip gloss. No, nothing’s going to help me today. I walk out of the toilets and slowly go back to the lion’s den. I feel someone pull my arm and before I summon all the energy I have to belt them, I turn and realise it is Josh.

  ‘Are you all right?’ he asks.

  ‘What are you doing, you mad man! You gave me the fright of my life. Shit! I could have broken your nose.’ I find some sort of composure but not before Josh lunges at my face and kisses me. His mouth is around mine and I can feel his wet tongue trying to part my lips. I push him away.

  ‘Get off! What do you think you’re doing?’ My thrust is so hard I hold on to his arm to stop him from falling backwards.

  ‘I love you. I want to be with you and Beth. I’ve always known it.’

  Enough already! This is getting a bit too much like one of my trashy romantic novels. Note to myself. Remember to burn all the secret copies on top of the bathroom cupboard but keep the ones with the dirty bits in.

  ‘You’re bloody mad. Are you having a breakdown? Is it nerves, excitement, what? Let’s just forget about this and go back to the table.’ I’m feeling flushed but he stands there looking at me and I fancy him so much, this is hell.

  ‘Last night, all I could think about was making love to you, it’s driving me mad. Oh Belle!’ He lunges forward but I manage to swerve his assault.

  ‘I don’t want this, I can’t deal with it!’ I yell out a bit more loudly than I realise. Then Meg turns the corner. That’s just perfect.

  ‘Hi Meg!’ I say, all bright and breezy.

  ‘I wondered where you two had got to. They’re serving the starters.’ She’s smiling at the pair of us and I can see my smear of gloss on his lips.

  ‘Meg,’ Josh begins. ‘I’ve got to tell you-.’ I can’t actually register what’s happening, though something is coming out of my mouth, so I quickly give Josh a big kiss on his lips.

  ‘That’s really sweet of you,’ I say. ‘Whoops, I’ve left my mark. Josh was telling me he hopes I find someone to make me happy.’ I rub the gloss off his soft lips as he stares hard at me.

  ‘I see,’ Meg nervously giggles.

  ‘Got any single male friends, Meg?’ I laugh and so does she. Josh looks confused and I can see he’s ticking something over.

  ‘I don’t think they’re old enough,’ she replies. I have this urge to bite Meg hard.

  ‘I just want to say-,’ he begins.

  ‘Take me to the table’ I quickly interrupt while dragging Meg out. Josh stands there staring at me as if I’ve suddenly grown horns.

  The problem is, right now, I’ve got one big burning horn inside of me.

  Everyone is seated as the waiters serve the food. I return to my seat but Meg asks if Josh can sit next to her, everyone shifts and I’m suddenly relieved I don’t have to look at him. I’m now opposite Joan’s squeeze, Robert. He seems interested to know about me as he has heard ‘so much’. Warning bells ring in my head.

  ‘Joan told me Kai was tragically killed,’ he says. So, this is her ‘shag me’ sympathy line! Belle, stop being a bitch! You might have to utilise her approach one day.

  ‘Yes it was a joy rider in an ice cream van. I thought he would’ve heard it coming.’ Tasteless joke but I do have a point. Joan thinks I’m very disrespectful. I’m just being honest. Humour is better than hurt.

  ‘Robert, my daughter in law has a very sick sense of humour and so did my son by marrying her.’ Result! I’ve managed to upset Joan.

  I look at my watch and it’s just past one in the afternoon. I want to go home. I’ve done my good deed for the year and turned up to the wedding I was dreading, on my birthday. Now I must carry on as normal. Well, what is normal? Every time I see Josh I’ll realise he had a breakdown after his wedding and thought he loved me. That’ll keep me going for at least ten years.

  Beth’s now beginning to get restless. She’s not being given the attention she wants from Luke. I excuse myself to go to the reception and ask for a cab to turn up earlier at two. The main course arrives and I’m not really hungry. I need my little house to make everything safe again. Someone from reception comes out to say there’s a cab and it’s for me. Thank you god!

  I get up quickly and tell Beth, who looks a bit distressed. She says goodbye to everyone while I make up some excruciating lie about going home to do some urgent work. I’m met with a disbelieving look from Joan who then rolls her eyes. I ignore.

  Beth hugs Josh a little bit longer. He takes her off to the corner of the garden and they’re whispering. I’ll ask about that later. When she returns I’ve kissed everyone worth kissing. She seems happy.

  We head off to the taxi.

  ‘Let me come with you,’ Josh says eagerly.

  ‘No!’ Joan suddenly snaps. ‘I’ll see them off you stay and-.’

  ‘I want to say goodbye to my guests,’ he says and I notice they’re exchanging glances.

  ‘We’re fine,’ I say grabbing the bag and dragging Beth to the car. I realise Josh is behind me as I buckle up Beth in the car. Then I turn and see him standing there in all his beautifulness. He looks gorgeous.

  ‘Have a lovely honeymoon.’ I kiss him on the cheek and he turns his head so I kiss his lips and I feel his tongue lick my mouth. I push him away as he smiles. ‘Look Josh,’ I say getting quite annoyed by this but there’s a sort of sexual frustration stirring in my body.

  Be still my throbbing clit.

  ‘I don’t know what sort of kick you’re getting from this Josh but enough is enough,’ I continue. ‘I know it looks like I’m pretty unstable, sometimes but Jesus, you take the biscuit.’

  ‘Do you think I’m joking?’ Josh lets out a deep sigh. He touches my face and I remove his hand as there are senses firing all over my body. Be strong Belle, be very strong. Then from the corner of my eye I can see Joan looking over at us. That’s a shot of reality up the arse.

  ‘Look, have a good time, we’ve got to go,’ I say trying to compose myself and smiling at him.

  ‘I’m going to sort it out.’ He looks serious.

  ‘Take care and go on honeymoon, it’ll sort your head out.’ I bundle myself next to Beth who has fallen asleep. Oh shit, I can’t carry her and the bag. The joys of motherhood!

  As we drive off I wave to Josh, who watches the car go then I see Joan give me her cat’s arse face.

  I wish I was going away with him for fourteen days of pure shagging. I slap my face every time I have dirty thoughts. My cheek is sore and bruised when we get to the station, fifteen minutes later. There was an awful lot of slapping involved.

  Two

  After a reasonably smooth journey, we return home to our two up, two down house in Chiswick. Beth is pleased to be back but now suffers from hyperactive happiness. I can’t be arsed to tell her to calm down. I let her run in the garden and play while I pour myself the largest glass of r
ed wine obscenely possible. I ring Meena.

  ‘So, how was the wedding?’ she says laughing down the phone.

  ‘He bloody married her,’ I reply, in between slurps of red wine.

  ‘You should have told him how you felt and now the man you love is wedded to another.’

  ‘Thanks for that. You call yourself a friend? Anyway, he said something stupid to me,’ I say, in two minds whether to spit it out or not.

  ‘Come on!’ she yells. ‘Tell me!’

  ‘He told me, you’re going to laugh at this, he always loved me and has made a big mistake marrying Meg.’ I hear something crash on the other end of the phone. ‘Meena, are you all right?’

  ‘Crikey! He said that? I knew it! No, don’t touch it Dev,’ she says, speaking to her husband. ‘No, go away, I’m talking to Belle. I’ll clean it up.’

  ‘What did you break and what am I going to do?’

  ‘I dropped my wine glass, which you know is a miracle as it’s glued to my hand. I think you should see what Josh Martin has to say for himself. I knew it!’

  ‘Now isn’t the time to celebrate the fact you’re so bloody observant. Look, he’s married and that’s that. I don’t screw married men-.’

  ‘But it’s okay for them to screw around?’ I know that’s a dig at my late husband but I’m not going to bite.

  ‘Not now.’

  ‘Belle, don’t waste your life looking for someone like Kai when all he did was hurt you. Take a risk with Josh. It may not be too late or let me fix you up?’

  ‘No,’ I sternly reply. ‘I don’t want to meet one of Dev’s mates, thanks very much.’

  ‘Well it’s up to you but you’re going to have to move on sooner than later.’

  ‘I’m not moving anywhere. I’m stuck on pause and that’s how I like it,’ I lie. ‘I’ve got to go.’ I hang up and sit on the grass watching Beth pretend to be some sort of magical fairy.

  ‘Mummy Belle, can I grant you a wish?’ She’s waving a wand over my head. Chances are she’ll whack it into my eye if I don’t duck.

  ‘To wish Josh all the happiness in the world,’ I say, when I really don’t want him to be with that twenty something woman. Why the hell didn’t he realise he had feelings for me before, rather than after his wedding? I look at Beth and she seems startled.