Hard to Love Read online

  Alex wasn’t a natural father. A level of uncertainty on what to do was evident.

  When she was alone with her girls, she quickly told them not to refer to Calum as their uncle or Joanna as grandma. This was the first time anyone from the agency had met her children. The girls knew of the set up and agreed, not before pointing out they thought it was strange.

  It was a relaxed atmosphere. Mabel topped up her glass of wine and Alex’s before seeing Lottie look at her.

  ‘Is it normal to drink so much in your line of work?’ asked Lottie as Mabel frowned at her child. ‘Mum thinks it’s part of her responsibility to buy bulk from the local supermarket.’

  ‘My mummy said that in daddy’s job they drink a lot,’ added Rose, eating a roast potato. ‘She said it makes daddy really annoying.’ Then she laughed. ‘But I don’t think she likes daddy very much not since she married Ian.’

  Mabel looked at Alex pulling a face while examining his plate of food.

  ‘They have to let off steam,’ Jess smiled, checking her phone as Mabel removed it from her hand, placing it beside her. ‘I’m waiting for an important message!’

  ‘Then wait,’ she said, as Jess pulled a face and stabbed her food.

  ‘There are far worse things to get involved in,’ Alex replied and looked straight at Mabel. ‘And if your mother has a drinking problem, then she knows where to go to for help. I don’t think she has. The only problem Mabel seems to suffer from is the ability to be nice to people. I think she has a few demons to deal with.’

  ‘Grandma said mum has to come to terms with the break-up of her marriage and to forgive dad,’ Lottie added. ‘She also wants mum to meet someone who will make her happy but says she’s hard to love though she loves to love.’

  ‘Yes, she loves to love.’ Alex smiled. ‘Sounds similar to something we’re pitching for.’

  ‘I think you’re really nice,’ whispered Rose, smiling at Mabel. ‘I don’t think you’re hard to love.’

  ‘Ask my dad,’ Jess sniggered, before reaching out to get another Yorkshire pudding. ‘He says she’s impossible.’

  ‘Says he whose wife has just kicked him out,’ hissed Mabel and noticed Alex raise his eyebrows in her direction. Lottie looked like she was going to cry again. ‘I'm just being mean. Ignore me.’

  ‘So, you both know?’ asked Alex as Lottie and Jess looked at him and then at Mabel. ‘Your mum told me on Friday. She was concerned.’

  ‘Personally speaking,’ sighed Jess. ‘No loss there. Can I be excused?’

  ‘We’re still eating,’ Mabel said looking at her daughter’s clear plate. ‘Be polite.’

  ‘Mum, I need to do some homework.’

  ‘No, you don’t.’

  ‘Okay, I need to search for naked boys on the internet.’

  ‘I bet she does,’ mumbled Lottie making Rose laugh.

  ‘Go on, go,’ sighed Mabel seeing her child didn’t want to hang out with them. ‘But come down when we have dessert.’

  Jess reached out and grabbed her phone, before sprinting up the stairs and slamming the door shut. Mabel turned to Alex and smiled.

  ‘Make the most of Rose now,’ she whispered. ‘Because they turn into that sooner than you think.’

  After lunch, Alex and Mabel sat on the sofa as Lottie took Rose to her room.

  ‘Alex, I hope you don’t mind me saying, but you seem a little uncomfortable with Rose. She’s a really sweet little girl.’ He responded with a grunt. ‘Is something bothering you?’ He sipped his wine, before grimacing. ‘Have you got parental issues?’

  ‘I don’t know what to do with an eight-year-old girl. When she was little, it was easy but now it’s impossible. We don’t have anything in common. It’s not like having a boy where you can play football in the park or watch them run around. I don’t think we get on.’

  ‘She’s only little.’

  ‘And she doesn’t know anyone when she stays here. Even taking her to the park causes problems because she’s shy.’

  ‘And that’s a problem?’ Mabel started to laugh. ‘Lottie is shy. Jess is a law unto herself. Hormonal teenagers who refuse to go out when they have a pimple or generally anything, is hard enough.’

  ‘I’m a shit dad,’ he groaned, running his fingers through his hair. ‘It’s not something I’m good at.’

  ‘Then get good at it.’

  ‘I do love her, don’t get me wrong,’ Alex said, looking up as if not wanting Rose to hear. ‘But it’s really hard. I know what it’s like to be with people you’re not sure of. When I was little and taken into foster care, I missed my mum and it was horrible. Sometimes it’s hard to love other people when you have your own issues.’

  She couldn’t help but look at the vulnerability of the man, who seemed so unsure and uncertain about what was expected of him.

  ‘You’re her father.’

  ‘I’ve not really been involved in her life, day to day.’

  ‘Does she want to see you?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ he said, moving closer. ‘I think it’s me who has the problem.’

  ‘You find it hard to love, is that what you’re saying? See, you’re fucked up too.’

  She noticed Alex narrow his eyes before he suddenly got back into the pose she recognised from work.

  ‘At least I’m not hard to love, which is what you are.’ He smiled and sat back, looking at her. ‘Did you get home on Friday and top yourself up after your coffee at mine?’

  ‘I don’t have a drinking problem.’ Mabel then sipped her wine, which made her laugh. ‘It’s the only way I can unwind and feel less angry. I’m a happy drunk most of the time, not an aggressive one. They remember when I took a bottle into my room one night. I was going through an exceptionally bad time.’

  ‘Why was that?’

  ‘He got someone else pregnant.’ Alex’s look of surprise said it all. ‘Yes, when he split with me he also dropped that bombshell. I was a little bit upset.’

  ‘I bet you were!’

  ‘And it’s more complicated than it sounds.’ She let out a disgruntled sigh, wondering why she was telling Alex anything. ‘I think we need ice cream now.’

  ‘No-one?’

  Even Mabel was astonished when one of Alex’s assistants, Reuben, told her the following week. Heidi was also sitting in the room. ‘It’s quite funny considering it’s so tragic!’

  She couldn’t help but laugh, knowing Calum would think it was hilarious.

  Her mother would probably be annoyed no-one was biting.

  ‘Paolo got around fifteen, and the other three did well too,’ said Reuben.

  He was small, with dark skin courtesy of a Chilean mother.

  Usually he had a smile on his face, but today he looked mortified, mainly for Mabel.

  ‘Paolo got fifteen,’ she smirked. ‘So, the website caters for blind people?’ Mabel laughed out.

  ‘You know, maybe a picture might help,’ said Heidi, who was sitting beside her. ‘You are very pretty Mabel, and some people want to see who they’re meeting.’

  ‘People go on blind dates, don’t they?’ she responded and sighed. ‘The thing is, it’s good that no-one has come for me because that means we have identified a problem with the site. It says you can keep your identity hidden if you are unsure, and still find someone. That’s not true.’ Getting up, Mabel grinned.

  ‘Sorry. This must be a little upsetting,’ whispered Heidi.

  ‘Not at all!’

  She walked out of the office, feeling a little light headed from relief before walking towards the coffee counter.

  Her phone rang.

  It was Bob.

  ‘Hello,’ she whispered.

  ‘Come on, you know you want to see me,’ he said, his voice very low and seductive. ‘I can’t believe you’re blowing me out.’

  ‘Considering just the initials ‘BJ’ come up on the phone, there’s still some blowing being done. Look, I can’t meet you.’ She put her hand over the phone while mouthing ‘cappuc
cino’ to the barista. ‘I need to move on and you’ve been a great interlude.’

  ‘Have you been using me for sex?’

  ‘Haven’t you used me?’ She smiled at the comment, and he laughed. ‘I’m trying out dating and I want to start with a clean slate.’

  ‘Date me.’

  ‘Not acceptable.’

  ‘Because of Calum, Wes, and Joanna?’

  ‘Because of me. Got to go.’

  ‘You put ‘BJ’ on your phone for Bob Jones?’ she heard someone say and turned to see Alex standing behind her. ‘That’s not very original.’

  ‘Shoosh,’ she said, making sure no-one overheard. ‘It’s a joke.’

  Getting her coffee, she walked towards a table and sat down, only for him to follow.

  She hadn’t seen him for most of the week. He sat opposite, and she noticed a few people look over.

  ‘I’m killing your street cred.’ Mabel grinned. Today he was oozing sex appeal, with a shirt partially buttoned up, a jacket and smart jeans. ‘Where’ve you been?’

  ‘Meetings.’

  ‘Looking like that?’ she asked seeing him glare. ‘I mean, you don’t need to pitch. You can stand in the room and look hot. Have you seen ‘Mad Men’? You’re our very own Don Draper.’

  ‘That’s a compliment, I take it?’ he replied, not amused by her comment. ‘You think that’s how I get business?’

  ‘Goodness, it’s better than working!’

  ‘Which you’d know about considering you’re hardly ever here.’

  ‘I have my moments.’

  ‘Why are you in a good mood?’

  ‘Because no-one wants me. Nil clicks on the website. I’m devastated.’

  ‘Obviously.’ He said putting sugar in his coffee. ‘Your ego isn’t crushed?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘It should be. Your response is appalling. I had to check with them to see if it’s normal.’

  ‘You’d have thought I’d get some spam, wouldn’t you? Not even junk mail is interested. Is it normal?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Well, I’m not either.’ She smiled and looked at his annoyed expression. ‘I told you it was a waste of time.’

  ‘You’re not even a little upset?’

  ‘Right now, I’ve got other things on my mind.’

  They sat drinking coffee and looked at each other.

  ‘Rose had a really good time on Sunday. She wanted me to give this to you and one to Lottie.’ He bent over and took two envelopes out of his jacket, handing them over. ‘She made ‘thank you’ cards.’

  ‘She’s really adorable,’ Mabel said, looking at the envelopes. ‘Unlike you.’

  ‘Unlike you.’ Alex got up and took his coffee. There was no smile on this occasion. ‘We need a picture to upload. That may or may not help things along.’

  ‘I can’t give you my passport picture as that’s shocking,’ she giggled, sipping her drink. ‘I look about seventy.’

  ‘Come to my office in half an hour. I’ll take a picture.’

  Then he walked off.

  Mabel wondered what was troubling him then realised it was probably her dire performance on the dating site. She opened the envelope addressed to her and saw the lovely drawing of roast chicken and ice-cream. The message was;

  ‘Thank you, Mabel, for lunch and ice-cream. It was delicious. I hope to see you again soon. Love Rose.’

  She felt a little lump come to her throat on reading it, holding it to her heart, and then looked up to find Alex was staring at her from across the room.

  He frowned before walking away.

  Mabel wondered what she had done to upset him now.

  ‘Have you got cement for my cracks?’

  Mabel was standing outside his office. Alex seemed busy, and she wondered if it was a good idea. ‘I can come-.’

  ‘No, that’s fine,’ he said, looking at her then back at something on his desk. ‘Reuben, can you get the camera for me?’

  ‘Sure,’ came the answer and within seconds it was put on his desk.

  ‘Sit down,’ he said, gesturing for her to perch on his chair. ‘If you turn and face the light, it might help.’

  ‘Give me a glow?’

  ‘Highlight your good features,’ he said before scowling. ‘It’s quite bright today.’

  ‘And the copious amount of light might distort my face.’

  Sitting down, she looked at him.

  ‘Can’t you smile?’ he asked, pointing the lens at her.

  ‘I hate having my picture taken.’

  He swung her a few times on the chair, making her laugh while clicking.

  ‘Why are you in a bad mood?’

  ‘Oh shit,’ he mumbled, looking at the pictures and shaking his head. ‘We’re going to have to go on the roof.’

  The next thing, he grabbed her arm and dragged her through the department.

  Mabel found herself on the roof terrace. Alex then pushed her towards the balcony and turned her around, snapping away. She didn’t know what to do so looked out at the other buildings.

  ‘Rose mentioned that Lottie said her dad was ill before you split,’ he said, making her look sharply at him. ‘Said it was prostate cancer.’

  Taking a deep breath, she knew no-one at work knew. Mabel made a mental note to tell Lottie not to discuss personal things with anyone outside the direct family.

  ‘What else did Rose say?’ Mabel asked, knowing he would have digital shots of her with a massive frown.

  ‘He was really ill during the chemotherapy and you looked after him. She said that was when he met his current wife.’

  ‘That is true.’

  ‘She said after her dad was told he was better, he went off with a woman who he got pregnant.’ Alex pulled the camera away from his face and looked at her. ‘I thought if you had chemotherapy it made you sterile.’

  This was when she gulped as he continued to take more photos.

  Mabel didn’t know what to say so focussed looking up in the sky.

  ‘Sit down,’ he instructed. Alex continued to snap away. ‘How did he get her pregnant?’

  Right then, she looked down the lens at him before darting her eyes away.

  ‘Figure it out,’ she mumbled and noticed he was walking around her.

  Alex suddenly stopped.

  ‘Jesus!’ he said, sitting down in front of her and looked shocked. ‘He didn’t have intercourse with her, did he?’ Mabel didn’t say anything and took the camera out of his hand, taking pictures of him. The man looked handsome especially when stunned. ‘Did he give her his sperm?’

  She didn’t want to answer, so snapped away only to see him smile.

  ‘Lottie said that her little brother should have been yours and…’ Alex put his hand to his mouth. ‘Mabel say something.’

  ‘What’s there to say?’ she whispered, shrugging while he took the camera out of her hand, turning it on her. ‘He was unfaithful with a Petri dish, his frozen sperm, and her large egg.’

  ‘Fucking hell!’ Alex said loudly and she noticed someone was standing by the door.

  It was Paolo.

  ‘You have a meeting and left your mobile downstairs,’ he said, giving Mabel the usual dirty look.

  ‘Go back and I’ll follow,’ Alex replied as she wondered if Paolo had overheard. ‘Mabel, that’s bad.’ Alex then burst into fits of laughter, unable to control it as she watched him. ‘He was never unfaithful.’

  ‘I think letting someone take his sperm behind my back to make a baby is unfaithful.’

  ‘But he didn’t shag her.’

  ‘He couldn’t get it up,’ she sighed. ‘Please, don’t say anything. It’s personal and not your usual reason for a divorce. His solicitor said it wasn’t adultery then what was it?’ Mabel closed her eyes before opening them slowly, seeing he was taking pictures. ‘He said we could have another kid, and he lied. Thing is he didn’t want me to have it with him; he preferred Tafari, and that’s what hurt.’

  She looked away, not
wanting him to see how upset she felt.

  ‘That’s not very nice,’ he quietly said. ‘You must have been devastated.’

  ‘I still am.’

  ‘Why here?’

  Mabel was in her former mother in law’s living room at Wes’s request. ‘Does Baba know?’

  ‘No, she doesn’t,’ he replied, putting down a cup of tea. ‘Thanks for coming.’

  ‘You didn’t give me a chance to refuse.’

  He didn’t look so great. She put that down to his split with the wife.

  There was some weight loss, but his skin was vibrant as usual.

  ‘Are you taking your medication?’ she asked, making him smile. ‘A heart murmur is something to worry about.’

  ‘All I need is a little operation in the next few weeks to sort it out. It’ll be fine.’

  She just had to let rip.

  ‘And your wife knows about this and still thinks it’s right to kick you out? I really don’t like you, but I’m here.’ She glared at him only to be met with a half-smile.

  ‘I’m aware and grateful. The thing is when I do go in for the operation, I don’t want the girls to know. Lottie will really worry while Jess will only try to make light of it.’ Wes laughed and sat back in the chair. ‘I know you don’t want to see me.’

  ‘But you still asked.’

  ‘And there’s my will.’

  That’s when she glared at him, seeing there was an element of emotional blackmail.

  ‘What about it? I thought we agreed on how you would split it, so it’s equal with all your children.’

  ‘There are a few things that need to be sorted out,’ he said grimacing. ‘Things I need to tell you.’

  ‘I don’t want a thing from you.’ Mabel glanced away and saw a picture of the fat, ugly child he had spawned with his woman, taking pride of place on his mother’s mantelpiece. Her own children were at the side. That sort of said it all. ‘Not anymore.

  She sipped her tea and looked at the over decorated room, letting out a disgruntled sigh.

  ‘I can’t tell my mum I’m here. She’ll go ballistic,’ continued Mabel. ‘After Baba telling her she had no right in adopting two black kids as a parting shot, wasn’t your mother’s finest hour.’